The Biblical Wife Chronicles Pt. 2 – The Quarrelsome Wife

Have you ever met a woman who was just drop dead gorgeous? Ever met one that was so externally beautiful but when she opened her mouth she was so repulsive that your spirit recoiled within you? I’ve met a few and probably been one if we are being honest.

The  first part to this series was talking about what a woman looks like – strictly based on the book of Proverbs. This is partly because I keep looking up verses in my concordance and it took me hours to get through the ones in Proverbs and partly because every verse that tells us what to look for is so saturated with information that it makes it difficult to do more than a few at a time. God always has a lot to say on every topic if you but give him the time to speak to you.

This post is about what we are not to be. I don’t mean just one item I mean several and most of it internal. Let’s begin.

  1. Proverbs 21:9 “It is better to live in a corner of housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”

My father always found this verse hysterical. I remember him saying it often – in fact it was one of the first verses I remember learning about what women should be like or not like. There are a few things to note:

  • The houses in Israel had flat roofs back in biblical times. So that being said they aren’t talking about an attic they are talking about a literal corner of the roof of a house. Think a small 4×4 square of roof to yourself. Out of the entire house when you are quarrelsome that is how far your husband would have to go to be semi-peaceful in his own home.
  • Even God says that women like that are distasteful. Now I want to say that we all have bad days and we all screw up and God gives grace for that, but that doesn’t mean we get to go around saying things like “well this is just who I am.” you won’t change you – sorry but you praying will let God change you.
  • Quarrelsome women – not only are they offensive and odorous to others but a lot of times – they are that way to themselves and they don’t realize it. Feeling over exhausted? Maybe you are just quarreling over things you don’t need to.

2. Proverbs 25:24 “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”

Just in case you were wondering – it’s not a type-o. God really did repeat it verbatim four chapters later. I find it funny because everything God says is important, but when he says something twice – you should pay attention. Three times and you know that you have to get with the program.

As another way of looking at this, many translations say contentious. This is referring to a woman who picks fights. She picks fights about the towels on the floor, the toilet seat, and the trash. She argues about things that are not worth the time and effort and simply disturb the peace of your home.

Something my husband shared with me a while ago that has really just stuck with me and made me rethink my own behavior was “I work hard and all I really want is a peaceful home.” I don’t proclaim to know all men or their behavior but here’s what I do know:

  • Being a spouse is a full-time ministry in its self. Your spouse will always see both your best and worst days. If they are believers you have the chance to walk with them and encourage them to follow Christ. If they aren’t – you have the opportunity to minister to them in such a way that they can understand Christ’s love on a deep, powerful, and personal level.
  • It takes more energy for me to argue and talk to him about putting the toilet seat down or cleaning up his towels or taking out the trash than for me to just shut up and do it myself. It’s a simple ministry opportunity. It just so happens that you may end up doing it anyways so why waste your time. That’s 5 extra minutes of my day that I prefer not to waste. Like I love to quote “Ain’t nobody got time for that”!
  • If you think that you are always right and not quarrelsome at all – than Girl your knees better start hitting the floor regularly. I mean it – You are living in the land of denial (which my grandmother tells me is in Egypt – get it? De – Nile! lol I crack myself up), and it’s not going to be a pleasant wake up call when God lets you hit the bottom.

3. Proverbs 21:19 “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”

  • Third time is the charm right? It’s better to live in a desert! I don’t know about you but I’ve been through some deserts (When my dad and I drove from Michigan to California – beautiful). They are hotter than crud during the day and really cold at night. Theres little food, little water, and nothing worth looking at for miles. But Heck – it’s better to be there than live with an argumentative wife.
  • Not only are we not to be argumentative, quarrelsome, or contentious – we are not to Fret. Fretting, fretful – it means to be a worry-wort. God tells all his children to bring things to him. Women who are high anxiety ridden – no one likes to be around them – it’s stressful! God tells us over and over in the Bible not to be afraid. Take it before the Lord and make your request known to him. Let him lead.

4. Proverbs 27:15-16 “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.”

  • Do you know what happens to stone when water continually washes over it? It erodes over time. Imagine your marriage is a slab of rock, while a light dripping won’t do much damage immediately, the steady dripping will eventually erode it to a weak point and it will break.
  • Think of a rainy day – when you have to stand there and wait in the rain, it isn’t bad at first – annoying but not bad. Over time though – you get wet, cold, and sick. It makes you tired and sleepy.
  • Wives – if you are quarrelsome – you are unrestrainable. This is not a compliment – It means you are foolish and shameful to those associated around you.

5. Proverbs 12:4 “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” 

  • Crowns adorn and make things look better, more important right? It brings stature – you wear a crown and everyone knows you are someone important (even on Halloween). She crowns his head – brings him stature – she builds onto what he has built for himself already!
  • Bringing shame – being quarrelsome or foolish, it destroys whatever is already there. Bones are put within the body to physically give stability and structure to the skin, otherwise we would be like a deflated balloon. Rottenness in the bones – like cancer, it makes them fragile and easily broken. Shame will bring instability to your husband, and if I had to guess – probably your marriage.

6. Proverbs 14:1 “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.”

Think about that picture for a moment. You spend hours pouring your energy, money, and time into building something so grand and in a moment after it’s built, you bring a sledgehammer to it. You demolish it. Total destruction.

A quarrelsome attitude. Shame. Fretfulness. These are things that do nothing but rot, demolish and force people from you. They breed bitterness and anger in your heart towards anything and everything. Even if you didn’t care a lick about your husband – which I doubt, You must care what God wants from you. I figure you care what he wants you to do and not do otherwise you wouldn’t have even read this.

Ok – we could keep going but I’m going to end this post. We have covered most of the blatant verses in Proverbs dealing with marriage/wives. Congratulations!

***Here’s the high (or low) points to the post are:

  1. Being quarrelsome/contentious/argumentative and fretful makes you unbearable to be around – no matter how gorgeous you are.
  2. You will not only bring shame to your husband with this attitude but you will bring shame to yourself.
  3. You will ruin your relationships – it will start with those closest to you (ie – your marriage) and will spread like cancer to other relationships you have.
  4. It will make you bitter, angry, and alone in the long run.
  5. The worst part – you will have done it all with your own hands.

***God has been bringing to my mind attitude and phrases that I have used or have heard used that I believe sum up contentious and quarrelsome women in relationships with men. Let me give you a few examples:

  1. The cold shoulder – Where you ignore your husband/boyfriend/fiance until he “gets” the memo. FYI ladies – men are not mind readers, even the ones that can take a hint now and then, need help. Don’t give them the cold shoulder and play stupid, insipid little games. Tell them why you are upset and if you need time to calm down then at least tell them that too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my husband and said “I need to calm down before I can talk about this.”
  2. Retaliating through not giving physical touch. Even if you aren’t married don’t start the “I’m so mad I’m not going to hold your hand in the mall” game. Again – you can communicate – just because you don’t like the man right now doesn’t mean you don’t love him.
  3. Nagging – LORD have mercy on us women for nagging. I have made it a point to only ask my husband to pick up the towels once. Take out the trash once – anymore than that and I’m nagging and not trusting him to do what needs to be done. That being said – I’ve waited on that trash for a while sometimes and if I notice that it’s still there when I get home (we work opposite shifts occasionally) than I just take it out. Don’t leave a passive aggressive note. Don’t text him about it. Just do it and leave it.

***What Steps Can You Take To Avoid Being “That Woman”:

  1. Forgive the man. How many screw ups have you had? Are you perfect? Great example – I screwed up this morning on my way to work and now the car wheel hub has a scratch. I have found the more I forgive my husband and try to be peaceful to him – the more he returns it. May the Lord bless him – he was totally calm and forgiving today about something that last year would have resulted in a 3 day fight.
  2. Pray for him. I tell you what – He and I have both changed so much in 1 year – Pray the living bejeebers out of him. Pray God brings him to the person God wants him to be. Not what you want – I can guarantee that you and I both don’t know what kind of man we need but God does – Pray the living snot out of your husband.
  3. Pray for you! You ask God to draw you both closer to the people he wants you to be.
  4. Realise that sometimes the issue isn’t the actual issue. Some times the issue is your attitude towards the issue. My mother always would tell me “Get a happy heart or God will give you a happy heart, and the latter isn’t fun.” Girl – Get yourself a Happy heart!

Questions or comments – I would love to hear/read them. Praying for all of you! God Bless.